Dealing with Change
Written by Christine O’Meara, MA, LCMHC
Human beings are wired to resist change because our brains prefer predictability. If something is unpredictable, the amygdala in our brains can process it as a threat, triggering a flight-or-fight response. This reaction can lead to a flood of stress, anxiety, fear of failure, and a loss of control. Adapting to change can be disruptive to our routines and requires new learning and more effort, which can feel uncomfortable and daunting. However, with the right resources, support, and mindset, change is what helps us grow. This past January, I experienced the biggest change in my life thus far: having a baby. Watching her grow each and every day has been an experience like no other. I’ve been in awe of the developmental leaps. I am constantly needing to adapt, and I’d like to share what I have learned along the way. I recognize that this has been a very positive change in my life, and that sometimes change is not seen that way, such as the loss of a loved one. Whether you’re experiencing a minor or major change, a positive or negative change, or no change at all right now, I believe these realizations can still be applied to your life. I feel that this topic is especially relevant this month, as we all transition to changes this fall season, such as going back to school.
Give yourself grace instead of giving into the critical voice. Unfortunately, it was easy to blame myself at times when taking care of my baby. For instance, if she was fussy or crying after nursing, I would often think, “Did she not get enough milk from me?” or “Did I eat something that’s upsetting her stomach?” While these could have been true, she also could have just been uncomfortable as her digestive system has been developing. As humans, we often engage in the “cognitive distortion,” or irrational thought pattern, of “magnification” and “minimization,” meaning we exaggerate negative information and diminish positive information. Evolutionarily, this helped with survival, but in the present day, it can lead to excessive criticism and perfectionistic tendencies, which can actually interfere with growth. Perfectionism robs us of accomplishment because it makes it hard to feel like something is ever good enough. It leads to “all or nothing” thinking, or labeling a situation as “good” or “bad,” rather than seeing the area in between. If you are struggling with perfectionism, try focusing on the process of something rather than the product or outcome. For example, try to feel proud of how hard you’ve studied, instead of hyperfocusing on the grade that you receive. See mistakes and failures as motivation to “create energy,” rather than something that “depletes energy” (Hughes, 2013). Furthermore, try to catch yourself “minimizing” in your own life and refocus on the positive information. For example, I would recognize how difficult it was to not know why my baby was crying at times and tell myself I’m doing the best I can to care for her and learn her cues. If you’re struggling to come up with what to say to yourself, think about what you’d say to a friend. We often have more compassion with others than we do with ourselves. This compassion can help us grow through change.
Don’t underestimate basic self-care. Think about what babies need: to be fed, to sleep, and to be comfortable. When our routines are disrupted by change, it’s easy to let basic self-care fall by the wayside. With a baby, I would often find myself trying to eat as quickly as I could, while standing up, or trying to shower as quickly as possible. When I could slow down, the meal or shower was much more enjoyable, and I felt much more ready to take on the next thing. “If you keep pushing without pausing, your body eventually fights back. Chronic stress floods your system with cortisol, adrenaline, and other stress hormones, keeping you stuck in survival mode…Our nervous systems haven’t evolved to handle the constant pressure to be productive and efficient 24/7” (Newport Institute, 2025). “Slowmaxxing” is a newer TikTok trend that involves “the practice of inviting more stillness into your life in purposeful, mindful ways” (Newport Institute, 2025). Think about how rarely you do one activity, and one activity only. Try to watch a TV show without your phone next to you, or go for a walk without your phone. Sometimes slowing down can feel boring because we’re used to constant stimulation, but if we can sit with the discomfort or boredom, we’re gaining practice in relaxing. We need to be able to relax in order to combat the reaction our brains and bodies can have to change.
Rely on others who have had similar experiences. As I became a new mom, it amazed me how many women reached out to share their stories or offer support as needed. Psychiatrist Irvin Yalom identified key factors of group therapy that can allow people to achieve positive change. Yalom named one of these factors “universality,” defined as “recognizing that one’s struggles are not unique and that others share similar experiences.” I felt less alone and learned so much listening to the struggles other parents had with feeding their babies or getting their babies to sleep. Find those who may be experiencing a similar change to you or have already experienced the change, and ask them how they are coping or have coped. What works for someone else may not work for you, but hearing from others might help you find what does work for you.
There’s value in emotions. Change can come with many emotions, and sometimes emotions can be viewed as a negative, but imagine how boring our lives would be without them. Even the more “negative” emotions can be helpful. For instance, I often say to my clients that their anxiety can serve as a compass to show them what they care about. And don’t forget that two opposing emotions can be true at the same time. You might be excited to see friends at school again, and also worried about managing schoolwork. If you are stuck on the more negative emotion, try to think if there is an opposing emotion that you’re feeling, too, but not noticing. I felt frustrated and powerless when I could not get my baby to stop crying, even if she had been fed and had a dry diaper. I would then try to think about how happy and thankful I am to have a healthy baby, and how powerful the experience of being a mother is. If you are struggling to think of an opposing emotion, try to get curious about the emotion you’re feeling. For instance, if you’re feeling angry, what is it that is causing the anger? Maybe you feel sad and lonely because you’ve been excluded, or you feel jealous and insecure because things seemingly come easier for others. Sometimes it’s hard to label what we’re feeling, so you can try using the “Feelings Wheel” attached to do so. We can learn more about ourselves through our emotions and better manage the challenges that come with change.
So the next time you experience change, try keeping these in mind: 1) Give yourself grace instead of giving into the critical voice, 2) Don’t underestimate basic self-care, 3) Rely on others who have had similar experiences, and 4) There’s value in emotions.
References:
Hughes, J. P. (2013). Perfectionism: Strategies for Change. Bureau of Study Counsel, Center
for Academic and Personal Development, Harvard University.
Newport Institute (2025, July 29). 10 Ways to Slowmaxx Your Life. Newport Institute.
https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/empowering-young-adults/slowmaxxing/
